Grief

  Grief Healing

Today I feel like opening my heart to you about my grief. But, by opening my heart I don't intend, or expect to relief my pain, but to welcome those who are going through the same. When we have someone who knows and understands how we feel, it makes pain bearable. This is why, I am here as a friend, to share my love and deepest sympathy to you. I want you to feel free to share what you're going  through, as it is unbearable to keep it inside. 

I am grieving for my mum who passed away six months ago. Even though it's been six month the pain is still as strong. I have days that I feel better than others, but, there are days that my anxiety is so strong that I feel out of breath. My chest gets so tight and I feel pressure on my head. These are just some of the symptoms, most of them I cannot even explain.

I started suffering from anxiety before mum's passing, and it got worse after the tragedy. 

Mum had brain tumour, and she became totally blind. As time went by she became bed-bound and unconscious. I cared for mum, and as she deteriorated fear stroke me. I had many moments alone with her and in which I had to face my fear and be strong to be able to help her. I would panic while trying to help. I had many moments of total despair, not knowing what to do. I had to wipe my tears, ask God for strength and do what was in my power to do. I would pray constantly, shaking terrified. 

It was energy draining, fearful and dreading to have someone's life, especially my mum's, in my hand. 

It is hard for anyone to understand what I feel. Only a person that has gone through the same can know how I really feel. It is not easy to deal with this, and it is not a matter of having to be strong. I am strong enough otherwise I would not have handled the situation the way I did. 

I was continuously told by doctors and nurses that I had to be prepared for the worse. I thought I would know how to help myself, and that I would have the right words to comfort me, since I'm such a positive person. But, no one is prepared to what it really brings. Having an idea is nothing compared to what it really feels. It is worse than I could have ever imagined. I had days that I felt like screaming, I still do, I have to control myself so hard to act normal.  

But, however hard this may be, I am still a positive and optimistic person. Grieving is part of life that we all have to face sooner or later, it is part of nature and there is nothing we can do about it. It is pointless to go against it and trying to understand why the person we loved so much died. We are forced to go on with life, and, since we have no choice but to face it, we have to help ourselves by accepting and smile at life again. This will help lessen the pain. There is no point in resisting, it won't bring our loved one back and it will only make us suffer more. Accepting the flow of life makes the healing process easier.

I insist with myself to go after the positive things that are available for me. I am a positive and giving person, this is why I have a strong will to help people. I'm always able to see the bright side of life, because there is.

I cannot bring my mum back, and it is painful to be sure of this, but with this I had a wake-up call. I prayed and asked God what positive thing could I take from this pain, and the answer was that I had to live life to the fullest and be the happiest I could be. And that's what I decided, I set my mind to want happiness and nothing less, even though grieving. Does it make sense?

I am happy and optimistic about my life, even though I am sad about my mum. Of course I would be better if she was here, but she's not, and there is nothing I can do to reverse this. So all I can do is live the best I can live, and be the best I can be. This is my reasoning thinking, but in reality it is not that easy to simply switch and be happy, there is a process and it takes time. Step by step to heal in a positive way.

In search for a deeper understanding about death, I listen to various videos on Youtube, and I found one particular motivational speaker's explanation very interesting. The explanation given made sense to me and it is helping me in the healing process. The videos are by Abraham Hicks, and all of her videos regarding this topic are so interesting. She makes death sound so natural, and it is. She talks about it as a transition to the non-physical, and the end of all resistance, therefore, no more suffering, no more pain. And it makes me feel at peace. 

If you are going through grief, whether it's recent or for long, I encourage you to listen to her videos. Abraham's teachings are extremely good, you will highly benefit by listening to her explanation about the facts of life.